Why I'm Taking a Break
This post might be a little different from my others. But I want you to know that I am
O K A Y.
I will be okay.
As most of you know I've been pursuing a career in blogging & influencing. I've always had this call to speak to people, to reach out to the ones that seem unreachable, to help them find their inner peace. At a very young age I knew that I had a fragile heart because even during a play ground fight with a best friend over wearing the same shirt to school - I was the one who went home feeling like I let them down. In my world, accidents didn't happen. There was right and there was wrong. It was black or it was white.
It's always been a struggle of mine to accept defeat, or help for that matter. For example: there are sweet home videos of me doing a puzzle, or coloring, and my dad would ask "Megan, do you need help?" and my response would be "No Dad, I can do it myself." Not because I didn't value his knowledge, but because I wanted to prove to myself I could complete this difficult task that seemed impossible "all by myself."
At age 15 I found out that I was adopted. It wasn't a movie-like scenario where the parents sit their daughter/son down and explain with a gentle voice "Honey, you're adopted." Mine was much more "Megan." Looking for my drivers permit in my parents office, tossing files left and right, digging through documents, I stumbled upon a very large file with the title "Megan Nicole Gentry" - which obviously got my attention. I slapped the folder down on the office floor, pulled back the opening, and picked up the first piece of paper. In a small gray font read "Adoption Agency, California" and below "Megan Nicole - " the dash representing a last name I had never seen before. Chills down my back and the feeling of not knowing any sort of truth, I tucked it into my backpack & remembered why I was on the hunt for my permit in the first place. I gained a lot of knowledge that weekend. About trust, friendship, family. That weekend changed my life.
Fast forward a few months.. I found myself not knowing who I tried so hard to build. I stopped seeing the same girl in the mirror. People may find it cliche, but until you've looked yourself in the face after finding that the people you thought you were a creation of didn't actually create you, well you have no room to speak, unfortunately.
Hello anxiety. Hello depression. Hello endometriosis. Hello senior year of high school.
Although I had so much hurt in my heart, senior year was a wonderful time in my life that I often look back and think fondly of. My best friend in high school was my sister soul mate. We did everything together. We had a falling out after graduation and I've made peace with that. But battling your toughest battles without the person who represented a rock in your life increases the incline and makes it that much harder.
Here's where things get important. Especially for all the women who follow and read this blog. In August 2016 I realized I had gained quite a bit of weight, was extremely unmotivated, lacked a certain glow I used to have. (Please keep in mind my lifestyle hadn't changed). I went to my doctor and they ran routine tests and everything came back normal. I reached out to my psychiatrist I saw back when I was battling depression. Nothing. Finally something compelled me to see my OBGYN. I had only seen her twice before for the standard check ups but she's young and always had this determined type of look on her face. The moment she saw my chart she noticed the weight gain. We went back and forth for 45 minutes. Question after Question. She immediately ordered labs & a pelvic ultra sound (which was not fun, and actually a really funny situation I'll talk about in another post). I literally got the tests done the next day.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. There was a lot of fear stemming from the fact that I had lost one of my sisters to cancer a year and a half before, and am watching my other sister battle the same type of cancer as I type this. But me being me, couldn't be weak. So I not so patiently waited for a call which I finally received a week later where they prompted me to come in for the results. I've watched way too much Gray's Anatomy & Private Practice guys. I knew if they weren't going to give me my results over the phone it was something more serious. I also knew that if a doctor is across the room from you and slowly ends up sitting next to you, the results aren't ideal (House MD reference).
Finally received a diagnosis and it turns out it's genetic, which is where adoption comes into play. Everything's connected. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It is connected to so many of the symptoms I had. The weight gain, the depression, the anxiety. Luckily I haven't had any of the other unfortunate symptoms, but these three were killing me. Literally, not wanting to live your life, not wanting to explore and experience what life has to offer will kill you. That's what sucked about all of this. I'm an adventurous human. So when anxiety and depression learned how to manipulate me into sitting at home, I was a mess.
Studies have shown that it's linked to ovarian and breast cancer. My OB prescribed me a medication (which I'm still not adjusting to) and prompted me to cut out all dairy/ processed foods. Living the healthy life style isn't my struggle. I've always had a healthy diet. I've lost a lot of the weight that I gained. I've learned to listen to my body when it's trying to tell me something. It's the depression and anxiety I'm still trying to overcome. It's hard, especially when your support system is minimal. I am so blessed to be apart of the instagram community. SO many amazing women have been supporting and praying for me from afar and I couldn't be more thankful for their genuine love.
As of now, I've decided to take a break from social media. I've deactivated my Twitter account, logged off of Snapchat, and will only be focusing on what I need to focus on - being the best version of myself. I have such big dreams and goals set for 2017 and I'd love for you all to be part of them. I'll be posting regularly on here with journal updates, hair tutorials, and recipes that I love which abide by my doctors recommendations.
Listen to your body. Listen to your brain. Listen to your soul.