A little different from my previous journal entries..
I've been running in circles. I've had a lot of late, sleepless nights. I've been waking up early in the morning. I've been allowing myself to overanalyze. Instead of shutting down my bizarre, irrational, crazy thoughts - I lay awake in bed and think about everything I want (and apparently need) to think about. I can whole heartedly say the past two weeks of letting go of the fear of my own thoughts has been an extremely freeing feeling.
As a young woman in my early 20's, love isn't a foreign topic. I've always been overly consumed with the concept. The idea that there's someone for everyone on this rotating rock. That regardless of where you are in this world, your one true soulmate is out there, waiting to meet you, determined to help you become the best version of yourself. Marriage, pets, children - the package deal has always been on my mind, but not lately. Lately (because of my new approach to a healthier lifestyle) I've given myself the time to accept the random waves of other thoughts wash over me. These thoughts lead to a lot of confusion and a lot of anxiety, but I can't say it's a bad thing.
I recently had a drink with a friend who told me that love, to him, should be unbound. He looked at me and effortlessly explained why and it just stuck.
It feels as if the love I've experienced (family, friendships, relationships - all included) has been the exact opposite of that. I was disappointed hearing him say the words love and unbound in the same sentence because I knew that it felt right on multiple levels, but I haven't practiced it enough for it to be an actual truth, which made me feel like a hypocrite. Being in love and having a soul mate doesn't always mean seeing eye to eye. It doesn't mean knowing what their thinking 100% of the time, or feeling the need to be in control of them. I always thought the phrase "if you love something set it free" was ridiculous, but maybe it just means you should give the thing you love the freedom to explore and live while it continues to love you.
I've also learned that love can be very selfish. In my eyes love should be selfless, but we're all so fixed on getting what we "deserve" and not giving what the person we "love" deserves. At what point do we put our needs aside? This is somewhat of an open ended question, as I feel extremely selfless while very selfish at times. I think every love is different. Every human is different. Love to me, is spoken about. It's heard. Love is being thoughtful and encouraging. I have so much love in my heart for so many people on this earth, it never made sense to me why the word itself was so forbidden or scary. I was taught to use it often because sometimes all people need to get through life is love, or to at least hear that they are loved.
If the giver of love expects love back, isn't that a form of selfishness? or does that fall under the selfless category because although they want it, they stand by patiently/silently giving it without receiving anything in return other than hope that one day that love will be returned.
I feel like so many of us pour ourselves into other peoples cups (cup = life). Sometimes their cups are able to be filled, and poured back into our own. Are we ever really prepared when we come to the realization that the other persons cup has holes in the bottom, and might not ever get back what we gave?
There are so many what if's and unanswered questions, but I've decided to not be fearful of the unknown. Instead of begging for an answer, I'll let them come to me.
I love you,